Trying to Conceive Is Killing Our Spark — How to Stay Close While Waiting
Your calendar says it is the right time to try, your ovulation app has become the third person in your relationship, and suddenly the question “Are you in the mood?” sounds suspiciously like a work reminder.
Trying to conceive can be an exciting step towards building a family, but it can also put unexpected pressure on a couple's relationship. When intimacy becomes tied to fertile windows, cycle tracking and monthly expectations, sex can start to feel less spontaneous and more like another task on the to-do list.
The emotional weight can be even greater when conception takes longer than expected. The challenge is to keep working towards your shared goal without allowing that goal to become the only thing your relationship revolves around.
Remember That You Are Partners, Not Just People Trying to Conceive
When you are trying for a baby, it is easy for fertility to become the main topic of conversation.
You discuss cycle dates, symptoms, appointments, supplements and the possibility of a positive pregnancy test. Even ordinary moments together can turn into conversations about whether this month might finally be different.
These discussions are important, but your relationship needs space for other things too.
Make a conscious effort to talk about subjects that have nothing to do with conception. Ask about each other's day, share a funny story, discuss a film or make plans for something you both enjoy.
You do not have to pretend that trying to conceive is not important. You simply need to remember that it is one part of your life together, not the entirety of it.
Try this: Set aside some time each week when you agree not to discuss fertility unless one of you genuinely needs to. Let that time be about the two of you as individuals and as a couple.
Take the Pressure Out of Sex
For many couples, one of the most difficult changes is that sex starts to feel scheduled.
Instead of asking whether you feel like being intimate, you may find yourselves thinking about whether today falls within the fertile window. Desire can take a back seat to timing, and the experience can begin to feel like something you need to get right.
Research discussed by the American Society for Reproductive Medicine notes that fertility tracking and strictly scheduled intercourse can increase stress and affect sexual satisfaction for some couples. It also emphasises that the frequency of intercourse should suit the couple's preferences rather than become an unnecessary source of pressure.
Try to make room for both planned and spontaneous intimacy.
If you use ovulation tracking, treat it as information rather than a command.
Talk openly about whether timing is making either of you anxious.
Avoid treating every intimate moment as a test of whether you are doing enough.
Remember that intimacy does not have to lead to sex every time.
Be willing to adjust your approach if the process is becoming emotionally exhausting.
You may not be able to remove all the practical considerations involved in trying to conceive. But you can work towards making intimacy feel mutual, affectionate and respectful rather than obligatory.
Separate Physical Intimacy From the Pressure to Perform
When sex becomes closely associated with conception, both partners may begin to feel pressure.
One person may worry about whether they are fertile enough, while the other may feel anxious about sexual performance or disappointing their partner. A missed opportunity can lead to frustration, even when neither person intended to put pressure on the other.
These feelings can be difficult to discuss because they may seem embarrassing or deeply personal.
Start by making it clear that neither partner is responsible for producing a perfect experience every time.
You can say things like:
“I want us to enjoy being close, even when we are thinking about trying for a baby.”
“I know the timing matters to us, but I don't want either of us to feel pressured.”
“Can we talk about what has started to feel stressful?”
“I want us to feel like a team, not like we are being evaluated.”
If sexual difficulties are persistent or making conception difficult, speak with a qualified healthcare professional rather than allowing embarrassment to prevent you from seeking help.
Your intimacy is not a performance review, and your partner is not the person grading it.
Make Affection Part of Everyday Life Again
When couples feel pressure around sex, they may begin avoiding physical affection altogether.
A hug can feel like it is expected to lead somewhere. A kiss can become an invitation that one person is too tired or anxious to accept. Eventually, even small gestures of closeness may become less frequent.
One way to break this pattern is to rebuild affection without attaching an expectation to it.
Hold hands while walking. Hug each other before leaving for work. Sit close while watching television. Give each other a shoulder massage or share a few minutes of quiet conversation.
The important part is that affection remains freely given and does not automatically create an obligation to have sex.
You can also ask your partner what kinds of affection feel comforting at the moment. What feels reassuring to one person may feel overwhelming to another, particularly during a stressful period.
Small gestures can help you feel connected without turning every moment into a decision about conception.
Learn to Talk About Disappointment Without Blaming Each Other
A negative pregnancy test can bring a complicated mix of emotions.
One partner may want to talk immediately, while the other may prefer silence. One may feel devastated, while the other tries to stay optimistic. Sometimes, both partners are hurting but express it in completely different ways.
This can create distance even when you are experiencing the same disappointment.
Try to discuss how you each prefer to cope with difficult news before the next difficult moment arrives.
Ask each other:
Do you want comfort, practical solutions or some quiet time when you are upset?
How can I support you when I am struggling too?
Are there things I say that unintentionally make you feel worse?
How can we acknowledge disappointment without blaming ourselves or each other?
Avoid statements such as “Maybe we are stressing too much” or “We just need to relax.” Although they may be intended as reassurance, they can leave someone feeling responsible for an outcome they cannot fully control.
The American Society for Reproductive Medicine notes that it is not clear whether stress itself prevents pregnancy. Reducing stress can improve well-being, but it should never be presented as a guarantee of conception.
You do not need to turn disappointment into a lesson or find a positive side to every difficult month. Sometimes, the most helpful response is simply to acknowledge that it hurts and sit with each other through it.
Stop Assuming You Must Cope in Exactly the Same Way
Couples often expect to experience trying to conceive in the same way because they share the same goal.
But one partner may want to read everything they can about fertility, while the other may find constant research overwhelming. One may want to tell close friends, while the other prefers privacy. One may be ready to explore medical options, while the other needs more time to process the possibility.
Different coping styles do not automatically mean that one partner cares more.
Instead of judging how your partner handles the experience, try to understand what their response means for them.
You might ask, “Would it help you to talk about this, or would you rather take a break from it tonight?”
You can also explain your own needs without expecting your partner to respond exactly as you would.
For example, you might say, “I know we handle disappointment differently, but I feel less alone when we talk about what happened.”
The goal is not to make your emotional responses identical. It is to find ways of supporting each other while respecting those differences.
Protect Time Together That Has Nothing to Do With Fertility
When trying to conceive becomes a major focus, couples can gradually stop making plans that are simply enjoyable.
You may postpone outings because you are waiting to see how you feel during a particular part of your cycle. You may stop planning weekends away because you are unsure about appointments or treatment. You may even feel guilty spending money or time on something unrelated to your goal.
It is understandable to make practical adjustments. But putting every enjoyable experience on hold can make the waiting period feel even more consuming.
Plan activities that help you reconnect.
Cook a meal together that you both enjoy.
Go for a walk without discussing fertility.
Have a film night at home.
Revisit a hobby you used to share.
Plan a small outing that fits your budget and circumstances.
Spend time with friends who make you feel comfortable.
These activities do not have to distract you from your hopes for a baby. They are reminders that your life together is happening now, even while you wait for something important.
You do not have to postpone happiness until you receive a particular result.
Talk About the Mental Load of Trying to Conceive
Fertility tracking, researching information, arranging appointments, remembering medication and managing lifestyle changes can create a substantial amount of mental work.
Sometimes, one partner ends up managing most of these details. They may be responsible for tracking cycles, remembering dates, arranging consultations and deciding what needs to happen next.
The other partner may be supportive but not realise how much work is happening behind the scenes.
Over time, this imbalance can lead to frustration and loneliness.
Discuss how you can share the responsibility in ways that make sense for your circumstances.
Decide together which information you want to track.
Share responsibility for researching reliable medical information.
Attend appointments together when possible and helpful.
Discuss decisions before one person feels responsible for making them all.
Check in regularly about whether the current arrangement feels fair.
Sharing responsibility does not mean both partners must do every task equally. Some aspects of fertility care may be specific to one person's body, treatment or medical needs.
It means that the emotional and practical work of pursuing your shared goal should not automatically fall on one person.
Set Boundaries With Friends and Family
Trying to conceive can become more stressful when other people begin asking questions.
“Any good news?”
“When are you planning to have a baby?”
“You should stop worrying so much.”
Even comments intended to be encouraging can make a private experience feel like a public deadline.
Talk with your partner about how much you want to share and who you feel comfortable telling.
You can agree on a simple response, such as, “We appreciate you thinking of us, but we would prefer to keep this private for now.”
You are not obligated to provide updates about your cycle, medical appointments or pregnancy plans.
If one partner is more comfortable sharing than the other, discuss that difference respectfully. Neither person should feel forced to disclose intimate information simply to satisfy someone else's curiosity.
Protecting your privacy can help you maintain a sense of control over an experience that may otherwise feel unpredictable.
Decide How You Will Handle Medical Decisions Together
For some couples, trying to conceive eventually involves fertility testing, treatment or difficult decisions about what to do next.
These discussions can bring financial concerns, uncertainty and different ideas about how far each person is willing to go.
It helps to discuss your feelings about medical support before you are facing an immediate decision.
You might talk about:
When you would feel comfortable seeking professional advice.
How you would approach testing and treatment recommendations.
What financial limits or practical constraints you may need to consider.
How you would make decisions if one partner feels ready and the other does not.
Whether you would consider counselling or additional emotional support.
You do not need to decide every possible future scenario in advance. You simply need to know that you can discuss difficult choices honestly and without pressure.
If conception is taking longer than expected, a healthcare professional can help you understand whether an evaluation is appropriate for your circumstances. The timing can depend on age, medical history and other factors, so it is better to seek individual guidance than rely on comparisons with other couples.
Medical advice should inform your decisions, but both partners' feelings deserve space in the conversation.
Know When You Need Support Beyond Each Other
Your partner can be an important source of comfort, but neither of you has to carry the entire emotional weight of trying to conceive alone.
If the process begins affecting your sleep, mood, friendships, work or relationship, consider seeking additional support.
This might involve speaking with a counsellor familiar with fertility-related concerns, joining a support group or talking to a healthcare professional about the emotional effects of treatment.
Couples counselling can also help if conversations repeatedly turn into arguments, one partner feels unheard or intimacy has become a source of ongoing tension.
Seeking support does not mean your relationship is failing. It means you are recognising that a difficult experience may require more resources than the two of you can provide each other on your own.
And if one partner needs individual support, that should be respected too. You do not have to process every feeling together to remain a team.
Give Yourselves Permission to Enjoy Sex Again
This may sound obvious, but it can be surprisingly difficult to remember when conception becomes the main purpose of sex.
You may begin to associate intimacy with calendars, predictions and the hope of a positive result. Even when you want to be close to your partner, it can be difficult to switch off the practical thoughts.
Rather than demanding that sex become spontaneous again overnight, start by removing some of the pressure around it.
Talk about what feels enjoyable, what feels stressful and what each of you would like to change. Make space for affection that does not have to lead to sex. If you both want to have sex outside the fertile window, allow yourselves to enjoy it without turning it into another fertility calculation.
You can still be intentional about trying to conceive while valuing intimacy for its own sake.
If tracking or scheduling has become overwhelming, discuss whether your approach can be adjusted. A fertility specialist can help you understand the relevant timing and options without making your entire relationship revolve around a calendar.
You are allowed to want a baby and want a satisfying intimate relationship at the same time.
A Simple Weekly Check-In for Couples Trying to Conceive
You do not need to schedule a serious relationship conversation every evening. A short, regular check-in can help you notice what is working and what needs attention.
Once a week, ask each other:
How have you been feeling about trying to conceive this week?
Have you felt supported by me?
Has anything about our intimacy felt pressured or uncomfortable?
Is there something practical I can take responsibility for?
What is one thing we can do together this week that has nothing to do with fertility?
Listen without immediately defending yourself or trying to solve every problem.
You may not be able to remove the uncertainty of trying to conceive. But you can make sure that neither partner feels they have to face that uncertainty alone.
The Bottom Line
Trying to conceive can change a relationship in ways that couples do not always anticipate. What begins as an exciting shared decision can become emotionally demanding when intimacy is scheduled, disappointment repeats itself or the wait stretches longer than expected.
But you do not have to choose between pursuing parenthood and protecting your relationship.
Make room for honest conversations. Share the practical and emotional responsibilities. Find ways to enjoy affection without expectation. Allow yourselves to feel disappointed without blaming each other, and seek support when the process becomes too difficult to manage alone.
Most importantly, remember that your relationship is not simply a means to an end. It is a part of your life that deserves care throughout the journey, whatever the outcome or timeline.
Because while you are waiting for the next chapter of your family story to begin, you still deserve to enjoy the life and love you are sharing right now.